The Outer Journey involves life on a small farm in the French Countryside. At present, August 2018, there are seventeen sheep, two geese, ten wild ducks, an unknown amount of poule d’eau (translated ‘water chickens’ or moorhens), three real chickens and a dog. There is a medium sized vegetable garden and a new flower garden.
The goal, when building our log cabin, was to live as autonomously, yet comfortably, as possible. The choice of a log cabin resulted from living aboard wood boats (my husbands passion) for nine years, from 2002-2010. More accurately, six months of those years. For the first three of those years, I was working as a flight attendant as well. I needed grounding and as we were selling our boat and deciding what to do next, I knew that I wanted a house and a garden and my husband agreed, as long as it was a wood house.
The Inner Journey began, consciously, in 2012 and involves Self Exploration. It’s an attempt to answer questions that have been battering me most of my life : Who Am I? What the hell am I doing here? How do I make myself a better person? Why do I always end up unhappy, even when I seem to manage to get everything I want? Why do people suffer? Why do animals have to suffer? Why am I suffering? Why are we destroying our planet? If God is All Powerful, All Knowing, Omnipresent, why would He allow people to do the things they do to each other? He is, clearly, an asshole.
Why? Why? Why?
The Inner Journey began with the Outer Journey crumbling somewhat in 2010-2011. It includes discovering and studying Yoga Teacher Training in India in July of 2012, Barbara Brennan School of Healing for one year in 2012-2013, Psychoenergetics for three years from 2012-2015 in the US, then for two years in Spain 2016-2018, graduating in 2018. I am currently (2017-2019) in a three year program developed by Patricia White Buffalo called ‘Walking The Shaman’s Path’.
Both of these Inner and Outer Journey’s have entailed trials, errors and many, many failures as well as successes, celebrations and staggering glimpses into an indescribable peace and beauty, which I love trying to describe.
The Integration of these journey’s is still evolving and quite mysterious. The recent realization that I am an alcoholic and that I need the help of other’s to stop drinking has been a devastating blow. It also seems to be a key of some kind. But to what? How can I, a spiritual seeker, accept this horribly disappointing (Ordinary Worst) Truth about myself? The program for recovery that I am involved in is well known. It entails aspects of spirituality, yet is rough and raw and earthbound. I am angry and resentful that I have this problem and that I need help to solve it. I am also incredibly relieved and extremely grateful that there are other’s willing to show up for themselves so that I can show up for myself.
Another aspect of the Integration between the Inner and Outer Journey’s involves my Self Expression. Our friend, Olivier Fischer, died of cancer some years ago. He used to sail with us quite a bit. He owned a gift store in Honfleur, France and I’ll never forget his predicament when making the decision to sell his store to become a full time artist/painter. “It takes courage to become an artist,” he said. This sentence pierced me. I want this courage, too. I don’t know exactly what it means for me to be an artist, but I want to find out. I so badly need to express myself. That I do know.
A year ago I began the 12-step “Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron with two other friends. We are re-doing it again this year.
This BLOG is something of a Calling for me. I am a writer, but I don’t write. I am a painter, but I don’t paint. I am a singer, photographer, musician, dancer, comedian, spinner, weaver, quilter, embroiderer, process facilitator, energy healer and am studying some shamanism as well. I ‘Boutine’ as my (frustrated and rightly so) French husband calls it. This is what butterflies do when they go from one flower to another. This BLOG is an attempt to begin to solidify or manifest myself as an artist, writer and healer. To bring my ’boutining’ (my made-up, Frenglish word) out into the world. (Should I call myself a pollinator?) To begin to regulate my practice and to debut as a practitioner for others.
I’m scared and excited, as one who begins an adventure often is. Will you join me in my attempt to weave all of these together?